Are You and Your Partner Speaking Different Languages? Understanding Communication Styles

Have you ever had a conversation with your partner that left you both feeling unheard, misunderstood, or frustrated—even though neither of you intended to hurt the other? You’re not alone. Many couples struggle not because they don’t care, but because they communicate in different styles.

Understanding your communication style—and your partner’s—can be a game-changer. It shifts the focus from blaming each other to understanding each other, which is often the first step toward healing and deeper connection.

Why Communication Styles Matter

When we assume our way of communicating is “normal” or “correct,” we may overlook how differently our partner expresses themselves. What seems like avoidance to one may feel like emotional safety to the other. What feels like assertiveness to one may land as aggression for the other.

These mismatches often result in:

• Escalating arguments

• Emotional shutdowns

• Repeated misunderstandings

• A growing emotional distance

As counsellors, we often tell couples: It’s not what you're saying, but how it’s being received that often matters most.

Four Common Communication Styles

Assertive Communication

• Tone: Clear, respectful, direct

• Goal: Mutual understanding

• Strength: Healthy boundary setting and honesty

• Challenge: May be misinterpreted as blunt if the partner is more sensitive or passive

Aggressive Communication

• Tone: Forceful, loud, controlling

• Goal: To be heard

• Strength: Directness

• Challenge: Can feel intimidating or disrespectful; often triggers defensiveness in the partner

Passive-Aggressive Communication

• Tone: Indirect, sarcastic, withholding

• Goal: Expressing frustration without open confrontation

• Strength: Attempts to address discomfort

• Challenge: Leads to confusion, mistrust, and emotional distancing

Passive Communication

• Tone: Submissive, avoiding conflict

• Goal: Keeping peace, avoiding discomfort

• Strength: Often empathetic and non-confrontational

• Challenge: Needs may go unmet; resentment can build over time

How Does This Play Out in Relationships?

Let’s say one partner is more assertive and values clarity, while the other is more passive and avoids conflict. During a disagreement:

• The assertive partner may feel frustrated by the lack of engagement.

• The passive partner may feel overwhelmed or silenced, interpreting assertiveness as pressure.

This mismatch doesn’t mean the relationship is broken—it just means there’s a gap in how each person feels safe and heard.

Tips for Navigating Different Communication Styles

1. Identify Your Own Style First
   Self-awareness is key. How do you respond to conflict? What does safety look like for you in a conversation?

2. Be Curious, Not Critical
   Instead of saying, “You never listen,” try “I notice we communicate differently. Can we talk about what helps you feel heard?”

3. Use “I” Statements
   This reduces defensiveness. For example: “I feel dismissed when I’m interrupted” instead of “You never let me finish!”

4. Understand Emotional Needs Behind Words
   Sometimes, a partner’s sarcasm is hiding fear. Silence might be a way to avoid shame. Listen beyond the surface.

5. Develop a Shared Language
   Discuss and define what respectful communication looks like for both of you. It could mean using time-outs during heated moments or writing feelings down if speaking feels too intense.

6. Seek Support if Needed
   Sometimes communication issues run deep—shaped by past relationships, trauma, or family dynamics. A neutral third party like a couples’ therapist can help both partners feel seen and understood.